It's all about them against us - all the genially-smiling uncles and extra-inquisitive aunty-jis against the poor mortals of marriageable/child-bearing/wait-gaining age.

Here they go -

"Arrey Beta, you have grown soo big!" (accompanied by a nasty pull of your cheek)

"You haven't particularly shrunk yourself," I remember the quirky reply to this one from one of the email forwards.

Alas, as all of us Indians know, blurting out such a reply can amount to blatant irreverence and it could be taken as lack of 'Sanskar'.

Wait, it doesn't end here. The sugar-coated attacks continue.

First comes the arrow.

"Oh my God, what happened? You've gained weight!"

Or

"Poor you..look at these pimples / dark circles..is it stress?"

Ok, since you are neither blind nor deluded, you KNOW you are looking fat, probably ugly and definitely uncomfortable. That wicked cousin or aunty-ji will make it a point to mention it, while pretending to sound genuinely concerned.

What would you do?

Simple. Just say, "Oh I was looking for you aunty-ji to ask how YOU dealt with yours…remember that time…please give me some tips na!"

The next one is fired from a tank - by dear Uncle-ji.

"Heard you got your exam results last week… when are we getting our pedhas?"

Since I haven't made any special effort at conveying the results to him, it is clear that I have no inclination to share my grades. God, if it were up to me, I wouldn't even share it with my parents!

I can see how he is eagerly awaiting my dismal declaration, all set to go into 'I-told-you-so' tirade.

Will it be wise to just tell him your grades and get over with it?

Don't even think about it. Do you want the world to know about your misery?  

Steer the conversation to pedhas instead - you can easily start praising the nearby Halwai and his innovative mithai creations.

If it doesn't work, there's always retaliation.

"Uncle-ji, Mummy said we will come to you only when we receive Pedhas for your Bacchu's SSC results last year..."

Remember, you need to know the family tree up and down and be strong in general knowledge such as battle undercurrents of hatred to pull this off.

The next could be a landmine. Beware before you answer this one.